You Have Been Lied To About Self-Care

We’ve been sold a lie:
That self-care is endless bubble baths, expensive chocolates, overpriced skincare, and luxury items that ultimately bring no joy.

This is the myth of self-care—a shallow, commercialized version of what real self-care is. It’s a dangerous distortion that reduces something essential to mere fluff. It tells us that rest and restoration can only be bought, and worse, it distracts us from the real work of caring for ourselves.

So, what is real self-care?

Real self-care is simply this: care for the self.

It looks different for everyone. It might be a long bath or a quick meditation. It might be changing jobs, adjusting your diet, taking a 5-minute break, or practicing the sacred art of saying no.

When my children were little, I used to read them a book about how everyone has a cup—and how we each need to fill our own cup through things that bring us joy, confidence, and self-worth. But some people go around dipping into others' cups, taking what they haven’t filled for themselves.

The lesson? Don’t be a Dipper.

But the deeper message is this: to avoid being a Dipper, we must fill our own cups first. That means finding worth, fulfillment, and peace within ourselves—not through external validation or consumption.

Chasing Worth in All the Wrong Places

Our culture constantly tells us that our worth lies in the latest iPhone, the trendiest Lululemon pants, or a wellness routine endorsed by celebrities. We buy the thing, we follow the diet, we do the routine—and yet, our cups still feel empty. Why? Because none of these things address the root issue: we’re trying to earn something that we already are.

We are worthy—simply because we exist.

Think about it: how many generations, decisions, and moments had to align perfectly for you to even exist? One different choice one time, and you wouldn’t be here. But you are here. That alone makes you worthy.

Worth is not something to be earned.
Love is not something to be earned.
They are simply what we are.

My Own Journey With Self-Care

I get caught up in everyone else: my husband, my kids, my students, my friends, the people at the grocery store—everyone. Like many mothers, I fell into the trap of believing that being everything to everyone was the only way to be a worthy person.

Spoiler alert: It’s not.

That’s why my self-care practice often begins with unplugging. When I unplug, I turn down the volume of “everyone else” and reconnect with me.

I remember that everything I do starts with me. Even if the whole world fell away, I would still have myself. Every night, I go to sleep with me. Every morning, I wake up with me.

That truth is both grounding and empowering.

Yes, I still do a lot for others—probably more than I should. But unplugging reminds me to care for myself too. To remember that I’m a main character in my own story. And that my story matters.

Self-Care Is Not Selfish. It’s Essential.

If you don’t start with you, how can you do anything for anyone else? You need you to do anything.

It’s the same principle as putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Sounds simple—but it’s surprisingly hard to practice.

And yet, we must practice. Because it matters.
Because you matter.

As RuPaul famously said,

“If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

To truly value others, we must first value ourselves. That’s where self-care begins. It’s not about becoming what we think others want us to be. It’s about being who we really are—and honoring that person.

When we show up as our real selves, we attract the right people.
As the saying goes: your vibe attracts your tribe.

Imagine how beautiful life would be if we could all just be ourselves. No masks. No roles. No pretending. And then the people who resonate with us gravitate toward us naturally—and those who don’t, move on peacefully.

No judgment. No fear.
Just freedom.

That’s what I’m in search of.

And maybe, that’s what you’re searching for too.